Mr Cameron is such a nice man, it seems unkind to pour scorn on his witless manifesto. I should let him speak for himself, but since we're all in this together, I decided to chip in....
Next month, you'll get to choose a new government. But don't just choose it, be a part of it. I mean it. We've got big problems in this country and the truth is politicians can't do everything on their own. We need your energy, your ideas, your passion to get this country moving.Translation: we need your tax money, and maybe a bit of conscription too.
That's why this email is an invitation to you to join the government of Britain. It might not be embossed on a thick white card, but it's still heartfelt. If we win this election, we're going to give you more control over your life, more power to make a difference to your neighbourhood, more opportunities to change our country for the better.
Translation: we're going to give everyone more control over your life.
Just imagine: a country working together to dig ourselves out of this debt and get our economy moving. A country working together to protect our NHS and improve it for all of us. A country working together to mend our broken society. A country working together to make politics and politicians work better.
So come on then Valda, get involved. The more people join, the stronger the force for change will be. I want millions to be inspired and mobilised to play their part - and that movement starts here. So please, spread the word. I'm asking you to send this invitation on to just three friends, workmates or family members. Get them involved too. Extend the invitation. Together we can build the future.I'd rather be left alone to build my own future, free of anyone else's force. Oh, by "force" you didn't mean physical compulsion? But that's what your policies, so far as they can be discerned, amount to.
The Conservative campaign manifesto makes almost as much sense as this:
"Last week, I met a black baker, who told me that benefit tourists were no substitute for proper married relationships."
(from Who has David Cameron been talking to?, a source of continuing hilarity to me).